Podocarpus people: talk me out of (or into) an indoor hedge before I become a full-time bonsai barber

Impulse-bought a row of Podocarpus macrophyllus ‘Maki’ to build a chic “privacy hedge” in my apartment. Internet said “low maintenance.” Internet lied. I now own a PAR meter, scissors, and an existential crisis. Before I double down and turn my living room into a lobby in Singapore, I need some hard-won wisdom on the stuff nobody covers:

Dense hedge without “bald shins”: Does Podocarpus reliably backbud on older, leafless wood if kept warm and bright, or do I need to leave green on every stem forever? Anyone done a hard cutback to sticks and lived to tell the tale?
Light strategy for interior fill: Side-lighting vs top-lighting-what actually curbs legginess? If you’ve measured, what PPFD kept your hedge dense (e.g., 200-300 µmol/m²/s at the top, 50-100 to the sides)? Any experience with blue-heavy spectra increasing branching on Podocarpus specifically, or is that just making my power bill sculpted?
Seasonal timing: They seem to grow in “flushes.” Best window to prune for maximum branching? Pinch immediately after a flush, or wait for semi-hardening? How many flushes/year indoors with 12-14 hr photoperiod?
Root reality check: Can these tolerate annual root pruning to stay in 10-12 inch planters, or do they sulk like true conifers? Tall, narrow planters better than wide? Anyone actually maintained a tight root mass long-term without growth stalling?
Water chemistry drama: Are these fluoride/chloramine divas like dracaena? If your tap runs alkaline, did switching to rain/RO stop tip burn or chlorosis? pH targets that kept them smug?
Ethylene and gas-heater chaos: Any leaf yellowing after sitting near ripening fruit, gas ranges, or fireplaces? I’d love to avoid the “mysterious sulk” that is actually a banana bowl.
Gender reveal party I didn’t ask for: Did a male plant dust your apartment with pollen indoors? Can you identify male vs female pre-bloom on container nursery stock, or is it pure vibes until it sneezes?
Fruiting indoors: Has anyone actually gotten viable receptacles/“berries” inside? (I know seeds are toxic; I’m not making a Podocarpus pie. Just curious about feasibility and mess potential.)
Nutrition: Do they behave like mild acid-lovers? Any wins with a barky, airy mix (pine bark/pumice/peat) plus slow-release vs liquid feed? Iron/Mg deficiencies common under LEDs?
Pests in dry apartments: Scale and mealybugs-preventative strategies that worked? Oil sensitivity on the foliage, or is 1-2% horticultural oil fine under LEDs if lights are off?
Growth regulators: Ethical can of worms, I know-but has anyone trialed paclobutrazol on Podocarpus to keep internodes tight indoors, and did it just pause life or actually improve form?

If you’ve created an indoor Podocarpus privacy screen that looks intentionally sculpted and not like a hedge having an identity crisis, please flex your settings: light levels, pruning schedule, soil recipe, watering cadence, and regrets. I will trade you my eternal gratitude and fewer plant-related therapy sessions.